Anywhore, yeah.

 And stuff.

Tiny chillens (usually between the hellacious ages of 6 and 10) ambush tourists by running up to them and pressing pieces of cardboard (walls of their home?) against the victim’s (you poor unsuspecting fool) body whilst begging and throwing temper tantrum’s like young hellacious chillens do.  Don’t be fooled by these con artisits in traning, the cardboard is a ploy to ‘desensitize’ (bruise you like a battered housewife) you (fool!) whilst shoving their greedy little (sticky?) hands in your pockets to remove money, cameras, phones, drugs and condoms.

It’s only until after the hellians leave that the victim (take note!) learn they have been robbed blind by what once would be considered sweet apples of their mama’s eye.

Ebay sells carboard starter packs!

Mesa Says: Don’t be a fool, trust no tiny people who travel in packs while you are on vacation. Especially if they are carrying cardboard, paper (cuts!), dolls (seren gas-WMD), or semi automatic weapons!

Ligers DO Exist!
 Miami Florida

Once thought to be a fictional character from ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ ligers, a cross between and lion and a tiger, are in fact…. er, fact.  Thanks to the people at T.I.G.E.R. (Time I get un-Extinct Roger) a horny young lion and a hot young tigress were galavanting around the beautifully wooded and romantic compound of ‘The Institute of Great Endangered and Rare Species’ one day and entered into a bond that only those of the age of consent should.

3 year old Hercules in 2005

Since our jolly brown giant’s father was a lion and mother a tiger, he towers over both of them with a vengeance.  No telling this kid to clean his room.  If his mother was a lion and father a tiger, he would have been a dwarf, and probably picked on in Big Cat school.

Weighing in at an astonishing half ton, this 10 foot mammal (‘Hercky’ as his friends call him) is not tame at all.  In fact, if you were to hop the fence at T.I.G.E.R. he’d probably rip your face off and wear it as a mask for Halloween.  (“OMG Hercky, you totes look like a human! That is a crazy scary costume!” )

Ligers are not new to the cat world as one might assume.  (Ass-u-me)  They have been bred in captivity both on accident (“Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing with that thing?!”) and on purpose (“Lights, camera annnnnd… ACTION!”) in Singapore, ‘The City of Lions’ pre WWII.

Don’t worry about our friend though, he can get the ladies.  And when it’s time to perform, there are no worries that he can procreate.  The animals at T.I.G.E.R. are free to sleep as promiscuously as they choose as long as one is of the age of consent.  If Hercky were to reproduce (boink) with a tiger, their child out of wedlock would be called a ‘titi’ (tittie?) and if he were to go after a lioness, their fangy offspring would be dubbed a ‘lili’. 

Mesa Says: Apparently the people at T.I.G.E.R. are short in the name brainstorming department. “Titi” and “Lili” but hey, whatever gets them off.

Now it really is ok when I say my favorite animal is a LIGER but be even more weary if you see a liger… carrying CARDBOARD!

If you don’t read her you know that she, like myself and well, many other women (and men) are struggling through some what rought times as far as finding someone is concerned and it really inspired me (especially when she mentioned me… I love when people mention me… I’m an attention whore) to write a little about it.  I’m great with pearls of wisdom and helping others.  When it comes to taking my own advice that is quite another thing.  So in honor of Tianna, myself and the thousands out there…            

::Let’s Talk About It::  
^{High Standards} 

There are so many things we can discuss just in those few sentences she wrote.  We will cover those and maybe a few more:
None existant dream guy (girl)
Impossible love
High standards

None Existant Dream Guy (Girl)
^{“maybe the dream guy just doenst exist”}

He (she) does.  Moving on to the Impossible love section now… I joke I joke I kid kid.

Ok.  Every person at some point in their life has either spontaniously or over time concoted what thier Mr. or Ms. Right will look and act like.  For refernce purposes I will give a quick description of who I had developed over years as my Mr. Right.  (And for those of you who read me and have for awhile, you know that ironically, I have found this man.)

Blue eyes, blonde hair, taller then me but not to much that I wrench my neck looking up at him.  Funny with a great smile.  Smart and motivated.  Family must be important to him and he must want one of his own some day.  Dedicated to what he do and who he is with.  He must like racing.  Any kind cars, motorcycle, go carts, whatever.  He must like motorcycles though because I was raised by a Harely guy.  He should believe in God and as far as politics is concerned, as long as he’s not too far left, I’m satisfied.  He should be somewhat well built but not chiseled.  He has to like dancing and going out but on the flip side he has to be able to enjoy blockbuster nights in.  He has to have a flare of the romance.  I’m not talking sappy love story because that is hard to find but he has to realise women like suprises.  (FYI: I know men like suprises and I try to keep that in mind with any guy I’m with.)  He has to be somewhat athletic, which goes back to the staying in shape thing.  He has to be able to carry a good conversation about anything and as hard as it may be, and as much as guys hate it, tell people how you feel or else how is anyone going to know to change?  He has to be protective of me but not in the sense that he knocks someone out who is looking at me.  I want someone who will take care of me and bend over for me (sickos that’s not what I meant) and in return I will do the same for them.  I want someone who attempts to share my interests and who likes pool cause if you all haven’t noticed, I play a lot of pool.

I suppose I could go on but it’s not necessary.  You all get the drift.  That’s a lot of expectations.  Some of those are very high standards but most of these can be met and still keep me happy.  He doesn’t have to have EVERYTHING just a large portion.  I’ll talk about this more in the High Standards section.

Impossible Love
^{“i am looking for the impossible love”}

No no no no no.  Love is not an impossible thing.  There may seem like there are moments in ones life (some moments longer then the others) where it it impossible.  Everyone deserves love and happiness.  Everyone deserves someone to share thier ups and downs with.  The laughter and the tears.  Now I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of negative notes on those lines alone but it’s true.  I may be wildly romantic but I still am a realist.

Love is more then just two people vowing to be true to each other.  It is more then the wedding and the anniversaries.  More then kids, bills, vacations, joint bank accounts and guaranteed sex.  Love is a connection deeper then what meets the eye.  Love is in the little things, a look or a touch.  Love is about 2 people who find they are most happy when around the other.  Not saying you shouldn’t maintain your sense of self and get away from each other because we all know that is an unrealistic journey. 

There are people who will say that there is no such thing as love.  There is no such thing as one person being able to love another for the rest of their life.  I say to those people (and if you are reading this I also anticipate you to argue with me) you just haven’t found it yet.

High Standards
^{“i think maybe my standards may be too high”}

This is where I will somewhat contradict myself so stay with me and it will all make sense.  You can’t have too high of standards when it comes to the important things.  We’ll refer back to when I talked about my Mr. Right.  I mentioned (and I’m sure a lot of you will agree on this one in particular) I want someone who is willing to go out of their way and bend over backwards for me but in return, I obvioiusly will do the same when needed.  I want someone to take care of me when I need taking care of and I will do the same for them.  That is not an unrealist goal.  That is not too high of a standard because someone who loves you wholly will be more then willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy.

This is where I know in my heart that Al and I are not meant to be.  I was always the one reaching out to him.  I was always the one having to drive to see him.  I carried the relationship.  I lowered my standards for but a minute because I liked what I saw in the person himself but when it came down to it, he didn’t meet the requirements. 

A relationship should be 50/50.  Both parties put in 100% to meet halfway.  It’s about compromise.  Not always getting what you want.  Now this is where the first contradiction comes into play.  You may say “But Melissa, you told me that if I don’t get what I want then they aren’t meeting my standards.”  Yes I did.  But listen (well read).  If he wants to go to the bar Friday night with the guys cause the big is on.  It’s a huge game.  It’s a deciding factor in the rest of the season.  You had wanted to go out to a romantic dinner…. you obviously have to compromise.  You let him go to the game and then you will both go out to dinner the next night. 

Still following?  That’s a little compromise.  That’s meeting half way BUT if you are always the one having to “give in” for lack of better word, then he is not meeting your standards.  He has to be willing to give up the game every now and then in this specific example.  Let’s turn the tables, it’s a weekly thing, your guy always goes out with the guys either to the game or to watch it on said specific night at the bar or a buddies house each week.  You have been wanting to see Phantom of the Opera for years and your boss managed to snag you two of the last great seats available for the same night as the game.  If you’ve rearranged things for him and gone to many functions that weren’t necessarily fun for you but you went because you’re guy was interested then he should be willing to sacrafice one game night.  Does this make sense?

Ok, a breather from that whirlwind and onto when high standards really can be too high.  As previously mentioned, you have in your minds eye what your Mr. Right should look like and what he should know, hw he should act, you’ve got most of it down pretty damn well if not almost perfect right?  If you decide someone is not relationship material for any of the following reasons or something in the same field then your standards are too high.

They aren’t a specific age (This obviously applies to people over the legal age)
They don’t have the eye or hair color you imagined
They don’t have the perfect body (bigger or smaller then what you imagined)
Their nose is a little crooked
One ear is higher then the other
Their family isn’t the greatest (either rude or TOO nice)
You wanted them to like Chevy when they like Ford
They don’t like when you call them “My ooey gooey gumdrop” in front of their buddies
They wont go to quilting class with you every week and gossip about who lost their teeth and who lost thier marbles.
They wont go shopping and hold your purse while you run around picking things off the rack the day after Thanksgiving at 6am when the stores open.
They don’t care that Britney is pregnant and due in the fall and Brad and Jennifer broke up and you agree that it’s probably all Angelina’s fault and Paris and Nicole are still fueding and that Lindsay Lohan is wasting away into nothing and “Don’t you think she’s too skinny and Pamela Anderson’s boobs are way too big?”
They have big feet
They get drunk and act stupid every once and awhile

Ok I think you get what I’m saying.  And that’s not to imply that some men wont meet these.  I’m sure many men care about Hollyood gossip and would totally agree that Pam’s boobs are way to big and then throw in they like them real better.  I’m sure some men will hold your purse while you shop but the point it, those are little things and not reasons to end it with someone or not even give them a try.

Let’s break this down.  There is such thing as too high of standards but they only apply to the insignificant things such as the list above.  It is not wrong to hold out for someone who has key qualities that you want.

Also remember that dating is trial and error until you find the right one.  You take the qualities that you liked from each guy to eventually form a real vision of who your Mr. Right will be.  A couple years ago my Mr. Right list wasn’t as detailed.  I’ve learned.  You also take the bad and put that in another folder.  Those are the qualities you want to stear clear of.

Ok, I suppose I’ve said as much as I can.  I should get some work done.  This may not be as detailed as I’d liked it to have been but if I’ve gotten at least one person to agree with me or at least understand then my goal has been completed.

1.  She married a loser!  (Kevin Federline A.K.A. ‘KFed’)

You’re going to tell me that she is the only woman (or man for that matter) who was sucked in during a rough, chaotic time in your life by a sweet talking person of the opposite (or same, if that’s what you prefer) sex?  You’re going to say that every person you have dated has been the right choice?  That you never made mistakes?  You should actually feel sorry for her that she feels like she is trapped in this miserable relationship.  She realizes it’s not meant to be but she’s doing what any good mother/human being would do, and trying to make things work

2.   She got so FAT!

She’s not fat, she’s pregnant you dolt.  And it takes awhile after a pregnancy to lose the weight.  Plus, that aside, you’re telling me that everyone on earth maintains a perfect body ALL THE TIME?  How unrealistic of you.

3.   She’s let herself go.

Just because she’s famous, she shouldn’t have to dress up just to walk to the mailbox or run to the grocery store.  She’s a person too and is allowed to have sloppy days like the rest of us.

4.   She abuses her son!!

NO parent is perfect.  Everyone is going to make mistakes.  The only difference here is nobody cares enough about you to follow you around with a camera 24/7 to track what you do right and wrong. 

5.   She said she was going to stay a virgin til marriage.  She LIED!!

I know a number of people who say they will stay virgins until they are married.  But things happen.  She was 16 when she made that statement.  Her and Justin fell in love and they decided to get it on.  Who the hell are we to judge?  I know younger people screwing at younger ages. 

6.   She got breast implants!!

Whether she did or not is still up for debate.  There hasn’t been any official documentation to say she has, it’s all be speculation.  Remember that depending on what clothes you wear, your boobs will look different sizes.  Bras, shirt cut, how tight it is, etc. all come into play here.  Also, who gives a shit if she did or not?  Have you been to America… or Earth lately?  Every year more and more women decide to go under the knife and get fake boobs put in.  They are also basically reconstructing their entire bodies as they get older.  Who gives a shit?

7. She’s a slut!

This is what people in the business like to call a preformer.  Madonna was considered out there and ‘slutty’ but look at her now.  She is an icon.  And idol.  Something so many musical artists look up to and aspire to.  She’s not sleeping around, she is ACTING.

The moral of the story here people is to get.over.it.  It’s that simple.  Put yourself in her shoes (or any celeb) for that matter.  She grew up in the ‘limelight’ and that can’t be easy.  And really, don’t we have better things to do with our time then to criticize everyone else?  Take up a hobby.  Have unprotected sex and drink excessive amounts of alcohol.  Live your own life and quit spending so much time worrying about people whose shoes you could only wish to be in.

Disclaimer: Don’t be a fool stay in school. This webpage is in no way, shape, or form condoning unprotected sex and alcoholism. It’s a joke. Lighten up or kiss my ass.